Knitting Trolls

Must. Have. Yarn.

Monday, July 31, 2006
Dearest trolls and troll wanna-bes:

Tomorrow officially starts my "yarn diet" so what did I do all weekend? I bought yarn! Isn't that what you always do before you start a diet, gorge yourself one last time? It's not completely my fault as The Studio was having this fantastic 2 day sale in which everything (yes, I said everything) in the store was 25% off! Thankfully it was still July so I didn't have to bend any rules.

How much yarn do I exactly have in my stash? Here is the pic of my yarn hordeing:

Some people may not think that is that much but I've only been knitting for a few months people, months - not years. There must be at least 50 balls of yarn plus a yarn kit in there. At least, I don't even want to count it. Yep, my name is Michelle and I'm a yarnaholic. If I don't have sex soon, I' m afraid I'll have to rent a storage locker.

Since I'm already admitting my problems in this webpost - here's another that some of my friends already know about me. I'm a cyberstalker. I used to stalk my ex-boyfriend's MySpace page and find out when he was lying to me (which was often) but I gave that up for my own sanity. Then today, I was looking at a posting at one of the blogs I frequent and it had some links to some purse tutorials (sewing, not knitting). Being as I now have a sewing machine and would love to sew up some cute little purses, I clicked on a few. One of the postings was on Craftster and I was scrolling down, looking at the tutorial and at the end of the tutorial there were comments. Well the first comment had a very familiar looking tattoo on it and the name was Poppet which happens to be my ex-boyfriend's wife's (so weird calling her his wife) MySpace name. So of course, I click on it. And it is indeed her. And so I proceed to spend most of the day reading her blog. I am ashamed of that fact but hey, there it is.

At first I was upsetting myself by reading it as she just gushes about the ex and how happy they are. Then I got mad that his life is so damn great and I'm in Stuckville, population me. But then I had to tell myself to get over it - I'm only hurting myself by carrying this self pity around. My life is actually pretty damn good. Yeah, it could be better but it's not that bad. I never, ever wanted Justin. Our relationship only lasted as long as it did because my whole world was falling apart and he was the thing I had left to cling to. And it was a mistake to cling to him but I did and he was smart enough to get out. Yeah, he's a lying, cheating sack of shit but hey, I knew it for a long time and still put up with it. I should be happy that they are happy. She actually seems like a pretty cool person - a little on the messed up side maybe but hey, I'm no saint (see picture of yarn and cyber stalking confession above). I actually think if I met her in totally different circumstances that I could be her friend as we seem to have a lot in common and I can totally tell why Justin fell for her - she is definitely his type.

So there we have it - confession and absolution (kind of) all in one post. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go make love to my yarn...

Looking for a 12 step program,


Eat... Pray... Knit...

Friday, July 28, 2006
Dear Trolly-olly-o's:

I just read the most fabulous book - Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book is so good, it makes me want to go on a spiritual journey. I'm serious! But I don't have a job that I can take a year off and wander the world in search of God. Sigh... So I'll have to settle for knitting.

Speaking of knitting, my newest obsession is dishcloths. Yes, you heard me right - dishcloths. I'm really turning into a spinster, aren't I? Aren't knitted dishcloths things your grandma made for the church bazaar? I know, it's crazy but they are easy, cheap and fun and when you're done you have a nice fancy dishcloth! If I start knitting toilet paper or kleenex box covers, that's when you stop me, OK?

Here is my first dishcloth, you can't really see the pattern very well but trust me, this dishcloth rocks! The pattern is one from my Knitting the Easy Way book and the book doesn't lie - extremely easy. And believe me, I don't have the problem that Melanie has with not using something you've knitted - I've already done dishes with it. And it held up magnificently.

I'm also (sadly) still trying to knit myself a hat that I can actually wear this winter. Here is my latest pathetic attempt.

Sadly, this hat also has issues but I am getting closer to a hat that I can wear! This hat was knit from this pattern using size 10 needles and Lion Brand Wool Ease Chunky yarn. I loved the yarn but I knit the large size hat because I do have a large head with large hair and alas, it has a weird point at the top and just doesn't quite look right... I looked like a pointy headed long shoreman. And I don't like the seam on this - I really need to learn to knit in the round. That definitely is among my next knitting goals.

Speaking of knitting goals, I am vowing (you trolls are my witnesses) not to buy any yarn or knitting books for the whole month of August. I'm starting to get out of control so I'm cutting myself off for a month (unless there is some fantastic sale or something - hello! I'm not crazy!). So my goals for August are to knit only from the Stash (which is ridiculously large) and to learn how to knit in the round. It's good for a troll to have goals...

On the lookout for pointy headed long shoremen in need of a hat,


Monday, July 24, 2006

Ah, what a bad blogger I am. Slacker!! It’s ok, you can go ahead and say it.
I go to the blog everyday to see what witty things my knitting trolls have
Posted for me to read, yet I am such a blogger slacker I do not post.
Forgive moi….

But look what I have here…my placemats!! Ok, so I picked the best out of three to showcase, but you don’t want to see the scraggly first one.
and I know, only three, what if I had three other people eating with me, what’s a troll to do? The answer is simple; I can NEVER eat on these. It would creep me out. Has anyone else had this happen to them? Where you knit something and don't want to use it? I know they are supposed to be for the table, and around food and all, but the thought just aint right. Yes, I said aint.

Now I am in full fledge copy mode and knitting Michelle’s stank scarf.
I love the bamboo yarn on bamboo needle feel. There’s something illicit about it.
I dunno..maybe its just me. But I could seriously sleep, bathe, and
generally wrap myself in a cocoon with this yarn. It rocks!!!

Now for my next project….who can I copy next…..

M2 Troll

PS I totally see the Jesus car everywhere! I figured it just randomly drove around
but it actually stopped at your apartment? Did you see whose it was?

Singin' in the Rain...

Friday, July 21, 2006
Dearest Trolls -

I have never been so happy to see rain in my entire life. Even though I arrived at work soaking wet (and I had an umbrella!) due to the high winds and 2 block walk from the parking garage (thank God I didn't have a white shirt on), I am not complaining. The temperature is 30 degrees cooler than it was this time yesterday. Woo hoo!

The heat has been bringing out the crazies in full force. Every day I saw more and more crazy people on the streets - walking along smoking their cigarettes (the crazies always have cigarettes), talking to themselves and sometimes twitching. Speaking of crazies, look at what I saw when I pulled into my parking lot last night...

That's right - it's the Jesus car! If you are a resident of Midtown Kansas City or frequent the midtown area, you have bound to have sighted the Jesus car around. In case you can't tell from the pic (which I took from my back porch in case the Jesus car owner was a crazy), the car is covered in stuffed animals, plastic figurines, stickers and proclamations about Jesus (hence the name Jesus car). And if you think the exterior is bad, you should see the interior - it is absolutely crammed floor to ceiling with crap. The back seat and passenger seat are crammed with what appears to be books, clothing and other crap - I don't see how the guy (I'm assuming it's a guy) can see to drive. I even think there was a doll head (I really hope it was a doll head and not a real head) in the passenger seat - it creeped me out.

So anyhoo, back to all things knitting... This is my latest scarf for birthday girl, Trish.

It's another scarf made from the Plymouth Royal Bamboo yarn. This one was knit on size 9 bamboo needles and god (or Jesus), it was so much easier than those damn acrylic needles. I love these scarves.

Looking to hitch a ride with Jesus,


Hot, Hot, Hot...

Thursday, July 13, 2006
Dear trolls:

It is a sweltering 150 degrees outside - OK, perhaps I exagerate but really, it's freaking hot. July in KC is hell, I tell you, hell. What did people do before air conditioning?!

So the other night on my foray out to the burlesque show, I asked my friend Heather if she had checked out the blog. She had not even though I sent her the link 2 months ago! This I do not understand since I love blogs - I guess it's the voyeur in me... Anyhoo, I somehow mentioned my imaginary high school band - Melted Ice Cream. Heather got very excited and wanted to be the tamborine player. We decided that her younger, pregnant sister could be the interpretive dancer but she needed to grow underarm hair. Heather suggested perhaps an underarm toupee.

Why does a band that exists only on paper get people so excited? If we decide to tour, do we do it by me writing about it? I can just see it now - Melted Icecream 2006 World Wide Tour. We do a show in Uzbekistan (I probably spelled it wrong but I really like that name) and Heather starts a riot by doing a strip tease with her burkha. Some men even denounce Allah after catching a glimpse of her creamy thighs... Our interpretive dancer starts a new dance craze in Japan after she gives birth onstage and the Japanese think it's a crazy American dance. OK, enough about my imaginary band...

Knitting! Well, I attempted another hat. This one made of yummy, yummy, yet quite pricey Noro Kureyon. I LOVED this yarn but at $8.50/skein it's a "special occasion" yarn. I used this pattern and knit on size 10 needles.

I adore this little hat but I still cannot wear it. This hat is much smaller than the last hat so it resembles a very colorful yarmulke and therefore makes me look like a Jewish Rastafarian. I don't know why I'm so attracted to these damn striped hats that make me look ridiculous but I am... Sigh...

Your knitting rastafarian troll,

I think I'm going crazy...

Monday, July 10, 2006

Hello to all fellow Trolls and Tangle Muffs!
How was your 4th? Mine was surprisingly good despite the usual hoo ha. Today brings gloom and doom to my Monday starting with the rain and traffic from hell! I-35 should be blown off the map. Oops, I should probably not say things like that or I might be targeted for terrorism (similar to the Holland Tunnel incident.) By the way, what a dumbass! Do your research. The tunnel is protected by bedrock. Anyways, so the traffic followed by a very annoying meeting followed by another annoying meeting and an announcement that a fellow coworker is leaving. This means mucho work for me thank you very much. I feel like I'm going crazy! Although, someone who is aware that they might be going crazy is technically not crazy.

I am very behind on my knitting but plan to catch up this week. Hopefully everyone will attend knitting this Thursday. I'm looking forward to "stitching and bitching." So, cool pics of the Burly-Q Girls. It's nice to see healthy girls taking their clothes off for a change. Wait...that didn't come out right but you know what I mean. I'm not sure I could see someone I knew strip. I was only disturbed by the reference to a 99 year old woman burlesque dancer. That's freaky. My mom just sent me pictures of her trip to Europe. Now that she's a sexy, single senior (66 years) she's jet-setting with her buddies. See pic below. Her friend is 76! They look good. Anyways, maybe I can knit her a bikini. Ha ha.

Allright Trolls, keep on keeping on.

Eyeful Tower...

Sunday, July 09, 2006
Dear Stanky Trolls -

Last night I got the pleasure (?) of watching my neighbor, Aimee, do her burlesque show entitled "Etta Vendetta's Eyeful Tower". And yes, I did get an eyeful... It's very odd to see your sweet neighbor, who always invites you over to eat, up on stage at the Record Bar dancing in her underwear and pasties. But she did a great job and I say bravo to her and the other Burly Q girls performing in her show. None of the girls had a perfect body (not one flat tummy in the place) but man, they could work it onstage and the men were mesmerized. It was very interesting. My favorite song of the night - "Pussy Stank but so does Marijuana". Amen...

Back to knitting, I finished another scarf. I'm going to call this my "Stank Scarf". OK, not really - I haven't figured out a name for it but I love it. I knit it with Royal Bamboo by Plymouth Yarns from a pattern I got free with purchase. This yarn is absolutely beautiful and it's 100% Bamboo! And it's soft! Who knew?! It was knit with size 8 needles rather than size 9 as the pattern called for only because I didn't have size 9 needles and I wanted to start it RIGHT NOW. Yes, I can be impatient...

Isn't it purdy? I think I'm going to name it the "Michelle's a Big Flirt" scarf as I discovered last night that I have totally lost the ability to flirt. When talking to a cute guy, I just acted like a moron. I can't even remember what we talked about but it was pathetic... So this scarf can be my affirmation. Can one of you trolls teach me how to be single again? You landed good men, help a troll out, will you?

And by the way, I taught myself to do Yarn Overs and Drop Stitches for this scarf. Yep, this troll has skillz... Damn blogger, I was going to do this very cute demonstration (at least I thought so) of how I wear my scarf in my hair as the ladies in my sister's knitting group did not get the concept. I was going to have a horrifying before picture and then a not so horrifying after picture but no... Blogger won't post the pics. Damn you blogger, damn you to hell. Now my artistic muse has been ruined...

Oh well...

Later days and better lays,


The Year of Yes..

Friday, July 07, 2006
Dearest trolls:

I just finished reading the book "The Year of Yes" by Maria Dahvaran Headley about how Maria one year decided to say yes to everyone that asked her out. It was a pretty good book and definitely amusing but she was 21 when she did this. Hell, I went out with everyone that asked me out when I was 21, too! Hell, I'd make out with you if you bought me drink... But now I'm 37 and I think my past year has been "The Year of Don't Bother Me, I'm Knitting." Sad? Kind of... But look at all the cool knitting I've gotten done! So what if I haven't had sex in 2 years?! I'm knitting!

OK, speaking of knitting, I have a new finished project - the evil purse. This is a gift for my friend JoAnn's birthday so I shouldn't call it evil but man, I hated this purse! It's another Girly purse from Magknits but this one was from Hell. I used the Berroco Glace yarn that the pattern called for and it was a bitch to work with - it kept splitting, the yarn got tangled up so much that I spent half the time working on getting knots out. Such. A. Pain. Ironically, the Crystal Palace yarn I used on the first purse was actually $2/skein cheaper and it was so much nicer to work with. Almost everything went wrong with this evil purse. The lining is kind of crooked (and too small), the handles barely fit - I am almost embarassed to give this as a gift but cosmetically, it looks fine. Only I know the evil that lurks beneath....

Satan's Handbag
Don't bother me, I'm just a knitting troll,

Whiz, Bang, Boom...

Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Fellow trolls -

Aaah, the 4th of July - when the 'hood sounds like we're going into World War III... Good times... How am I celebrating? Naps, shopping (I actually bought a sewing machine!), eating waffles with yummy blueberry amaretto syrup with my neighbors and my ex boyfriend's best friend (technically he is a neighbor, too, as he's currently living in the house behind me). Again, good times...

OK, I promised the other day that I would post a pic of my self striping yarn hat so here it is:

This hat was made out of Moda Dea Sassy Stripes yarn in Crayon and I based it on this pattern.

I love this yarn but I do not like the hat. It makes me look like a rastafarian and with my 'fro, that's not the look I'm going for... First of all, it's too "tall" and this yarn really calls for working on circular needles as you can see the seaming really bad in the back... I tried to get Ernie to model it but he refused - he's had it with hats. He did not want to be the "rasta kitty".

Have a great fourth of July!

Happy 4th of July my Trolls!

Hope everyone has safe and fun fourth of July festivities. I myself will be staying away from straying fireworks in the hood.
Knit on my trolls- and remember to stay away from the hot potato salad! Ewww.
Melanie Troll

Web Rings

Monday, July 03, 2006
OK, I'm trying to figure out how to add the pics for some web rings so we can get more loyal readers! So here are the web rings I've added us to so far:

We are actually already officially part of this webring, I just can't figure out how to post the pic (but I'm trying!). And then this one I discovered today:

We really are bad ass knitters...

Your knitting troll who should really be working rather than playing around on the blog,